Too much, Too many
by Yui-Mag
Summary: Touya reflects on how Shindo's appearance has changed his life and how the other teen is so loved by others, that Hikaru never even notices how much Touya cares for him as well


Disclaimer: These characters are not my own, they belong to the wonderful creator of Hikaru no Go. The song is also not my own although the translation is for it was my own work. The song is sung by Helene Segara and is titled: "Il y a trop de gens qui t'aiment"… translation: "There are too many who love you."

Enjoy the story!

**Too much, Too many**

Akira let a sigh escape past his lips as he made his way to the Insei institute where the Young Lion tournament was taking place once again. Only two years had passed since Shindo had become a pro. Only two years since that irritating brat that had hurt his pride had made a turnaround and had suddenly become someone that could be given the title of eternal rival. 

A someone who made Akira's blood pulse harder and lit a fire in his eyes that were too often tired and lonely. Shindo was changing him…

He walked faster, hoping the increasing pace would let him outrun the bizarre thoughts that sometimes ate at him. It was always Shindo. It was always him that made him lose his focus and yet regain it at the same time. Akira couldn't understand what was happening to him. He wished someone could listen to his thoughts and just tell him what was going on. Was he going crazy? Was he suddenly insane? So lost in his loneliness that he was suddenly falling for Shindo? He shook his head, sending his shoulder length hair flying into his face and back behind his ear again. 

Akira turned the corner and found himself face to face with the building. In front of the entrance who else could be there except the one who was haunting his thoughts. The seventeen year old sat on the steps, his bleached bangs gently straying into his green eyes before being swept away by a tanned hand. Next to him an unruly redhead with a wide smile and a loud laugh was chatting away, letting his nerves out before actually entering the building and playing the Insei who were planning on becoming pros in the Go world. Waya-san still got nerves before any game though he hid it well as he looked over his friends much like a mother hen would. Isumi, a black haired twenty year old, stood with them, a quite serene smile playing on his face as he listened to whatever story Waya-san was telling them. Others whose faces were only slightly familiar to Akira were gathered around them. The sight brought Akira a wave relief and pain at the same time. Shindo had come…he was on time. Then again… as long as it wasn't an event that included only Akira himself, such as the daily meetings at the Go Salon that he and Shindo kept, Shindo was always on time. He inwardly shrugged. It just showed how much he didn't matter. 

Part of him wished he could go to the group and join them in their lightness that seemed to enfold them, that he too could share Shindo's company. 

Akira walked past them, staying silent, knowing without looking back that the cause for Waya-san's sudden silence was his presence. The young man hated him for a reason that Akira didn't quite know. Too soon the door closed behind him and he never heard as Shindo muttered an excited ohayo towards him. 

_I watch you talk with others_

_You seem to me so light, even transparent_

_I watch the days pass, life while telling myself_

_I'm not searching for love, I'm expecting it_

_I watch you have fun and I make believe_

_But I can't stop you from being a child_

_You make wild gestures, you look so happy_

_There are times you know, when I hate what I feel_

It was once the door closed that he turned around, too glance one last time at a world he would never be able to take part in. Shindo's world…

The seventeen year old was smiling, standing with his arms pointed towards something in the sky. He shook his head. What was the use? He walked to the elevator and pressed the cool button. 

He needed to get the other boy out of his head. He needed to be able to concentrate and ignore these strange feelings. The metal doors slid open and he walked in, a small polite smile plastered on his face as usual. Soon Go would be in the air… He just needed to be able to withstand his own mind until then. 

_There are too many who love you_

_And you don't see me_

_I won't escaped unscathed_

_From this love with you_

_There are too many who love you_

_That surround you_

_And all the words of love_

_That I say, you never hear_

Minutes after he had made himself comfortable, Akira heard the group of friends that always surrounded Shindo coming down the hall. The youth that always plagued Akira came bounding in first, nearly bumping into his old Go instructor. Shindo blushed prettily, a hand scratching at the back of his head showing his embarrassment. Akira watched with pained amusement as Shindo bowed his head slightly and smiled at the man in such a carefree manner that no one but a small child could pull off. He could also see Waya-san looking aghast and apologizing for his 'protégé' and Akira had to look away to keep the bitter twinge of jealousy from growing deep within him. He wondered… but his musings were cut off as Shindo came towards him, having been apologetic enough in his mind for the near incident. 

"O-ha-yo Touya!" The boy waved a hand in his face almost frantic as he drawled out the greeting. Akira couldn't help it, he felt his cheeks warm up and his eyes narrowed. Did Shindo take him for a fool? Was he making fun of him? It hurt. It hurt more than he wanted to accept. "We still on for Friday night?" Shindo asked after having heard Akira's own more polite greeting. Akira nodded his answer before adding his own comment, not able to keep some coldness or was it bitterness mixed with envy and longing creep into his voice. 

"And be on time for once, Shindo." 

"Awh jeez, Touya… I'm not _that_ bad." Shindo muttered sheepishly grinning at Akira with the biggest smile. "You need to relax more." 'Relax?' 

"Shindo are you coming?" Waya-san's voice suddenly called out, sounding annoyed. Shindo made an uh-oh sound and skipped off not even realizing that Akira had started to say something. 

"See you later Touya." Akira closed his mouth a bit dumbly and then he shook his head. 'Aa… goodbye, Shindo.'

_I feel so far away from you at times_

_I wouldn't want you to think that I'm waiting for you_

_I force myself to hope, but I lie to myself_

_So I watch you get further away from me gently_

His game had long been finished and yet he couldn't feel happy or proud about how he had played even if he had won. There had been no passion in his moves. Not real passion. No real fight. Perhaps… perhaps if he was lucky when the Inseis were all beaten and the pros went against each other he would be able to play against Shindo. Then perhaps his fighting skill would be back… he looked around the room again and then started to walk out. He was done here. There was no use waiting for someone who never noticed you in the least. There was no use waiting for an eternal rival… that was still so far behind. For all of his words of one day catching up to where Akira now stood, Shindo had barely just made him hear the echo of his footsteps following him from behind. It was amazing considering that Shindo had only started a couple of years ago and yet…

'How long will you keep me waiting, Shindo? How long…?' 

Sometimes it felt that the closer Shindo came to catching him as a rival, the further apart they were. If that made any sense at all. Which it didn't… He needed to leave this place. 

_There are too many who love you_

_And you don't see me_

_I won't escape unscathed_

_From this love with you_

_There are too many who love you_

_That surround you_

_And I of course, love you at my expense_

Akira would have shouted in frustration if he could, if it had been deemed proper as pros, also finished with their games came towards him. Even a couple of Inseis, perhaps bold from a win, came to shake his hand and ask him advice about Go or anything else for that matter. He didn't see as Shindo bowed his head at the end of his own game, taking another win for himself. He also didn't see as Shindo left the Insei he had been playing to go sit at a table, looking at the crowd that surrounded Akira and barred the teenager from leaving the room. He didn't notice because he was too deep in his thoughts, to deep in the loneliness that he felt when such crowds surrounded. They reminded him too often of how very alone he was—how there was no one who truly understood him in this world and that if there was one person who did… that person was happily unaware of it. It was killing him softly… but the past could not be changed and anything in the future could change. But would Shindo? 

Did he even want that boy to change? 

Perhaps it would have been better for them to have never met at all…

_There are too many who love you _

_And you don't see me_

_I won't escape unscathed_

_From this love with you_

_There are too many who love you_

_And you don't even see_

_That it's because of you_

_That I fight this strange battle everyday_

It was a question that would send his mind and his heart battling, making emotions run through him and creates confusion so large that it would render Akira speechless. 

If they hadn't met… 

If…

It would have still been a cold, lonely life without Shindo to come bounding in, changing everything with his energetic enthusiasm and passion for the Go world. Maybe his life would have been even colder… but perhaps, Akira wouldn't have been aware of it. 

He didn't want to know either way Akira finally figured out as he tried to force his mind on the conversation that was taking place in front of him. 

_There are too many who love you_

_And you don't even see_

_That it's because of you _

_That I fight this strange battle_

Hikaru watched sadly as Touya disappeared into the crowds, a smile on the pale boy's face as he politely talked on to other pros who had wanted a word with him. As usual. Wherever Touya went, a crowd of admirers would follow. There would always be an aura of respect around the boy, so strong that even adults would look at the boy differently. Hikaru couldn't help it, his lips turned to smile at the image with affection. Touya would be his eternal rival and his only. No matter how many times Touya gave him the cold shoulder, or how many times the boy seemed to not notice him, Hikaru would always follow him and make that boy turn to see only him as well… for he couldn't stop, he couldn't stop walking forward, towards Touya. Not even if it hurt.

Because… he… he didn't know the because but that didn't worry him much. Hikaru was sure that when the day came that he would catch up with Touya, would be the day he would understand his own feelings.

Until then… He felt a warm hand on his shoulder and looked up to see Waya's twinkling amber-like eyes. 

"So Shindo, ready to get some lunch?" He nodded, pushing himself out of the chair. "And its sushi we're eating… SU-SHI! Got that? We're not eating ramen again, ne Isumi? Help me here. We're eating sushi." Hikaru laughed and made his way out with his friends. He could wait for the answer. 

My first _finished Hikaru no Go fic. (I know, I know Besu-chan… it took me longer to write than I had promised… gomen! I did try!!!) I don't know why but I have the hardest time writing these characters. They're so passionate about a game that I have yet to understand (I have only played it four times and I must admit even though I won once, I played very blindly and didn't really understand what I was doing!) and I think that when I try to convey that I get lost! _

But since I love these characters so much, I wanted to give it a shot anyhow. 

I hope it didn't turn out too bad and I'd appreciate any feedback. 

J

Thank you

Yui-mag


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